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Wednesday, June 29, 1994 - Page updated at 12:00 AM

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He's Got Leggs, But Not In Good Standing

Orlando Sentinel

Here is the story I planned to write when given this assignment:

Oh, you poor women out there. I had no idea of the pain and suffering you have gone through all these years by wearing these horrible little sausage casings on your legs.

But now, under orders from my boss, I have walked a mile in your hose. I am hot and miserable. I snagged them on a desk drawer, and another pair will cost $5, making a total of $389 I have spent on pantyhose this week alone.

Please get them off me. And I won't blame you if you never, ever wear them again.

Wrong.

I like 'em.

As I write this, I am wearing Leggs.

Control Top. Sheer toe. Black.

Oooh, baby baby, I feel dangerous.

I could have gone for white.

But let's be honest. Some of us were not blessed with long thighs and thin calves. A lot of us have short, stumpy legs. Miss Piggy legs. When you wear white pantyhose, you might as well walk into the center of the room, stand on a chair and scream out: "Don't look at my new hairdo! Don't look at my new sexy dress! Look at these white Vienna sausages I'm standing on!"

Did I mention that white pantyhose also are very poor at covering up dense mats of dark leg hair?

Next I vetoed the nude hosiery. That would be like wearing clear makeup. What's the point?

This left, of course, the black pantyhose.

Men love black pantyhose. Put a skunk ape in black pantyhose and we'd ask if it came here often.

Now I know why. Black pantyhose work miracles. That big knee scar magically disappeared. And not only did the pantyhose hide mass quantities of unsightly leg hair, they also slimmed my thighs and calves.

I am a Q. But I feel like a B.

I have been wearing my pantyhose for an entire hour now. Sure, they make my legs sweat, but that shouldn't be any problem for you ladies since women don't sweat. And yes, they feel like some kind of mutant second growth of scaly, disgusting skin that itches and clings and gives my whole lower torso claustrophobia.

A small price to pay for the reward of perfect legs. I could keep them on if I wanted to, but I'm tired of all the other reporters asking me if I come here often.

I think it's time that women quit whining and wear their pantyhose like men.

Copyright (c) 1994 Seattle Times Company, All Rights Reserved.

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