Monica Lewinsky Takes US All For A Ride, And This Trip Is Enough To Make You Sick

Gosh, it's good to be home.

After a yearlong excursion on the Intern Interstate, we can all get back to our blessedly normal lives.

It was a bumpy ride, wasn't it? The lawyers. The legislators. The TV talking heads and the terrible Linda Tripp. The entire country was crying for Dramamine.

After the impeachment, we thought we had hit the home stretch. But then Barbara Walters had lined the road with Burma Shave signs: Monica. In Her Own Words. Exclusive. Miss it and You Will Surely Die.

Hungry to get to the meat of the matter, we pulled over Wednesday night and got ready to feast. But while the presentation was well-executed (Monica's jellyfish do had been slicked down, her notorious lips painted the perfect shade), it was still cheap eats.

And it made me sicker than a chicken-fried steak.

Turns out Monica Lewinsky is just a spoiled girl who confuses moral bankruptcy with being a "sensual, passionate person."

Bill Clinton may be a lot of things that I loathe - adulterer, legal wrangler and liar - but he's still the president of the United States.

The fact that he's flawed almost makes him more our own. America loves to build people up, tear them down and watch them crawl from the ashes.

But in Lewinsky's eyes, Clinton was just something else she wanted, the way to get somewhere. So she showed him her thong, they both delved into adultery and deception and now she is even richer and more pampered than before. Not an ash on her.

A year in hell pays well in America. And Lewinsky knows this.

In our culture, and especially in the land of 90210, where she grew up, kids are weaned on Aaron Spelling and "The Real World."

Television is their barometer for living. They are cynical and world-weary before they've learned to drive. Nothing is real, nothing lasts, and consequences are temporary, if they exist at all.

I saw it in the hollow way Lewinsky expressed her remorse to Chelsea and Mrs. Clinton, and then, that done, carried on like she had just hoodwinked the school principal out of detention.

She smiled as she spoke of sneaking around the Oval Office, of phone sex and a stain on her dress from the Gap (where's the re-issue of that blue dress, anyway?).

I can't imagine a more perfect revenge for an overweight girl from a Beverly Hills high school than sitting with Barbara Walters on the eve of your book's international release, talking about your own personal sex scandal, with the whole country watching and millions of dollars waiting outside.

That's success in 1999 America.

Days later, I'm still mad that I wasted time watching Monica's manicured mug, and that Walters wasted considerable talent inquiring about Lewinsky's "gratification." It was like sending a Sotheby's dealer to a lingerie party.

But she did it, we watched, and Lewinsky came out the winner.

Because in America, it doesn't matter if you're a running punch line. After awhile, you can settle into your millions, and eventually, no one cares how you got them.

Andy Warhol said we would all be famous for 15 minutes. Consider: Monica had 15 months of fame without saying a word.

So don't think of her as a victim. In fact, she may have redefined feminism by turning an internship at the White House into fame and fortune.

If Clinton thought he was just going to have a little fling, he was wrong. By failing to take that blue dress to the cleaners, Lewinsky took him there instead.

And if he thought he could use this young woman and be done with her, he was outsmarted. When the president's attentions waned, she held out and later won the attention of an entire country. In the end, she may capture the entire world.

Monica has taken the wheel, folks. I'm think I'm gonna walk.

Nicole Brodeur's column appears Sunday and Thursday in the Local News section of The Times. Her phone message number is 206-464-2334. Her e-mail address is nbrodeur@seattletimes.com. Her lipstick never looks that good.