Will Someone Please Stand Up And Sue Jack Lalanne?

I'm looking for a good lawyer.

Someone who will stand against Predatory Practices and Deceptive Advertising. Someone who will fight for The Elderly and The Children. Someone who will crack down on a get-rich-quick scheme that victimizes vulnerable souls.

Someone who will sue the Washington State Lottery and Jack LaLanne.

This lofty litigious vision was inspired by Christine Gregoire, state attorney general and patron saint of all souls who refuse to take responsibility for their personal vices. Gregoire made national headlines last year when she extorted billions of dollars on behalf of cigarette smokers who ignored decades of surgeon generals' warnings. She made headlines again last month by hauling poor Ed McMahon, Dick Clark and three sweepstakes promoters into court.

Gregoire lambasted the firms and their famous front men for engaging in Predatory Practices and Deceptive Advertising "to convince people, especially the elderly, they are about to become millionaires." She recounted tragic tales of gullible losers who ignored the fine print and squandered their life savings on sweepstakes entries. The heart bleeds.

Of course, the average 10-year-old kid has enough common sense to throw away those tacky mailers after playing let's pretend with the bogus winning certificates and magazine stickers. But a good lawyer never lets common sense get in the way of a high-profile, deep-pocketed, blame-mongering lawsuit.

"These companies have become masters at creating a web of deception," said the morally indignant Gregoire, who noted that her suit could reap millions of dollars in penalties. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.

What exactly did the private sweepstakes firms do illegally? "The headlines, the words, everything about these mailers are calculated to get people to buy products they wouldn't otherwise buy," Gregoire fumed. Well, what is advertising if not a calculated ploy "to get people to buy products that they wouldn't otherwise buy?" And what about the state's own lottery advertising that entices people to pour their Social Security checks down the drain?

Here's a small taste of the state-sponsored gambling slogans that bombard our very vulnerable citizenry:

What's your dream?

The longer you live, the more you win.

The cure for the common day.

All the money. All at once.

You could be a winner every day.

Gregoire and her crusaders argue that sweepstakes promotions are far more prevalent and insidious than publicly backed lottery ads. But you can't turn on the radio or TV without being exposed to the bewitching rays of the lottery. Nor can you avoid the get-rich pitch at gas stations (like my neighborhood Texaco, where a "Lucky for Life" standee takes up a whole corner) or grocery stores (like my neighborhood QFC, where a flashing Lotto machine dispenses tickets to shoppers looking for a quick fix). It's what public-health worrywarts call a national epidemic: 38 states spend $400 million a year plugging lotteries.

So where's the Tiger Lady when you need her? Gregoire attacked sweepstakes companies for "selling false hopes." She should take a look at the marketing of lottery games run by her own state government before chasing after Big Ed and Tricky Dick.

Fronting for the state's something-for-next-to-nothing ruse is celebrity muscleman Jack LaLanne. The 84-year-old fitness guru was hired by the lottery last fall to peddle a new $2 product, "Lucky for Life," that obviously targets flabby-willed senior citizens. According to ad executives, he "personifies the message of good health and long life."

"I'm going to show you how to feel better and live longer, so you can win more," LaLanne tells his prey.

"I hope to live to be 105," chirped a 75-year-old Fircrest man who claimed one of four lifetime cash prizes last month. The odds of winning the grand prize are 1 in 3,921,225 - but you won't hear Jack LaLanne touting those vital statistics upfront. Federal Trade Commission rules requiring truth in advertising don't apply to state lotteries.

The lottery paints glamorous portraits of other lifetime winners who dutifully pledge to continue playing the numbers. In keeping with the game theme of "a healthy lifestyle," the agency reports that one retired couple received a gym membership and "a monthly supply of Watatos for a year" in addition to their Lucky for Life cash: "Asked if they'll keep playing Lottery games, Mr. Sales responded, `You bet!' In fact, Mrs. Sales won $4 this morning on Pot O' Gold Scratch tickets she bought in the Lottery's lobby while her Lucky for Life claim was being processed."

Live longer, play more, win more money!

Somewhere out there is a bright lawyer who will refuse to stand by as tens of thousands of Washington citizens - The Elderly, The Children - get hooked on Scratch tickets and the dream of a lifetime supply of Watatos. Someone who will sue to end the state's moral posturing on gambling. Someone who will ask all those slap-happy state attorneys general a simple question: If government can profit off the dimwittedness and irresponsibility of its own citizens, why can't anybody else?

Michelle Malkin's column appears Tuesday on editorial pages of The Times. Her e-mail address is: malkin1@ix.netcom.com.