Ben and Jen's romantic comedy is passionless and devoid of humor
Their new film, "Gigli," falls somewhere between horrible and laughably awful. If the public wants to see what laid the foundation for Ben and Jen's highly public lovefest, then the public might well wonder if this movie, like their show-and-tell togetherness, should have remained just between the two of them.
The title is the first of many irritations. It craves a joke, a pun, anything besides the last name of a frustrated, low-level thug named Larry Gigli (rhymes with "feely"). When other characters pronounce it wrong ("giggly," "jiggly"), you have to wonder what director Martin Brest, best known for "Midnight Run" and "Scent of a Woman," was thinking. In fact, having withstood this entire movie, I'm left wondering about a lot of things.
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J.Lo stars as Ricki, a comely henchwoman who's tapped to keep an eye on Larry so he doesn't screw up the plan. She knows a thing or two about Chinese martial arts and how to drive Larry wild with desire: She's a lesbian. The three camp out at Larry's bachelor pad and take trips around L.A. in his Impala convertible. Ricki and Larry smile sideways at each other in the front seat as though trying not to laugh at Brian, who quotes rap songs and asks where "the Baywatch" is (an urgent and recurrent request that never fully makes sense).
What purports to be a screwball caper flick descends, with each passing scene, into an unfunny and, at times, offensive mess. Not only is Brian's smiling, twitching and nervous sunflower-eating used as a comic foil throughout, but, as a mental patient, newcomer Bartha veers inconsistently from too dopey to too lucid. The script isn't kind to lesbians, either. In fact, the slurs against both populations come at the audience like fists. They actually take away from what little interest the story accumulates — if indeed that is actually possible.
Studded with several uncredited cameos, you'll hoot at the likes of Christopher Walken doing an evil eye as a tired cop, and then again later for his daring to dip his big toe into this quagmire at all.
Ben and Jen's chemistry was apparently hot off the set, and though the promise of palpable onscreen passion dangles around the lesbian plot twist, it never amounts to anything more than shockingly dirty and poorly written verbal foreplay. Lopez radiates Jenny-from-the-block warmth, but she's banished her come-hither tough girl to the "Out of Sight" DVD. Instead, Ricki thrusts herself from one yoga pose to another while delivering a monologue on the merits of the female anatomy. A positively excruciating slow-mo sex scene follows.
Disappointed fans of the happy couple can only figure that the real chemistry happened like it said in the tabloids — everywhere else.
Emily Russin: emily@emilyrussin.com