Middle school brings huge changes for kids

Lori Menday was a "nervous wreck" before her oldest daughter, Katie, started West Seattle's Madison Middle School three years ago.

"It was harder on me and my husband," said Menday, whose son Nick, 12, is now a seventh-grader as Katie, 14, heads to high school. "We were more stressed than she was."

And that's saying a lot: Katie was intimidated by all the new faces, bumping from a class of 50 fifth graders to one with 300 sixth graders. She spent hours worrying about what to wear, how to do her hair and who she'd eat lunch with.

The beginning of the school year can be challenging for all parents and students, but perhaps most so for those new to middle school or junior high.

Parental fears of a kindergartner eating glue morph into serious dangers: Drugs, alcohol, sex. For students, it's a leap from one teacher and a familiar school to a large campus, multiple teachers, a bunch of new kids and more homework.

"No recess is trauma in itself," said Ginger Moriarty, a mental-health counselor at Denny Wellness Center, located at Denny Middle School. "And the eighth-graders look like huge monsters."

Linda Perlstein, a former Washington Post reporter who spent the 2001-02 school year at a middle school for her book, "Not Much Just Chillin': The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers," found some things haven't changed since parents were 12 or 13. "They can still have a boyfriend and never actually talk to him. They still fight with a friend and not really know why.

"But there are a lot more things they have to deal with than middle-schoolers did 20 or even 10 years ago."

Parents start wondering if something's in the school water, because their cheerful kid is suddenly a reticent, moody preteen.

"Parents see things go on with kids and think it's because of the move to middle school but in reality, it's the developmental stage," said Patti Kinney, president-elect of the National Association of Middle Schools. "This time is second only to the first three years of life in terms of development emotionally, socially and physically."

Indeed, "you can almost watch kids growing daily," said Marilyn Anderson-Burt of West Seattle, mom of Aaron, 16, and Ryan, 13. "A lot of kids tower over you by the end of eighth grade."

Tweens supply dramatic sighs instead of enthusiastic replies to parents' questions. They hang out with new friends, some of whom parents have never met. Puberty leaves them emotional and volatile. They seek and receive more freedom and more unsupervised time — and more chances to make bad choices.

"Middle-schoolers share the most endearing traits of 2-year-olds but also the most frazzling ones," writes Perlstein. "The desire to be a big girl and a baby at the very same time. Mood shifts, growth spurts, minuscule attention spans, temper tantrums. Inflexibility, egocentrism, defiance."

Moriarty calls it "pinging." Kids can't seem to decide whether they're children or adult wannabes — leaving parents unsure how to respond when hand-holding Jekyll turns into teen 'tude Hyde.

"Parents have to nurture both sides, because kids need to be both," Moriarty said. "When they start to be surly and snobby, give them room but don't totally disappear."

Because this age group goes through so many changes, it's often hard for parents to know what to dismiss as an age thing and what's a real concern.

Balance awareness, alarm

Experts suggest parents be aware of warning signs but not overreact that each one signals a descent into a life of drugs.

Hanging out with a new set of friends, for example, might reflect new choices at a larger school — but it could also mean young teens are getting into a bad crowd. Likewise, a drop in grades could signal a student's difficulty adjusting to several classes and more challenging assignments — or that school is taking second place to drug or alcohol use.

Both Menday's children surprised her by developing an entirely new group of friends in middle school. "It's a huge issue, who their friends are and what influence they have," she said.

If her kids wanted to do something with a friend she didn't know, she called and spoke with the other child's parents first, or offered to drive. "I wanted to make sure they were where they said they were going to be," she said.

That's a good policy, experts say. "Parents of middle-school students can't be too naive," said Anthony Wolf, author of "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager." "Their child is now moving into an age and world where the things they're exposed to represent real risks."

A small 1998 survey compared what parents thought middle-schoolers were doing to what students actually admitted they were, including drug use, sex and suicide attempts. Researchers concluded that "parents are largely ignorant of the extent to which their adolescents are involved in major risk behaviors."

Most tweens aren't having sex but they sure talk like it, said Perlstein, who said the sexual nature of tweens' thoughts was the biggest surprise of her middle-school time. "It's not just the naughty kids," she said, "spending their lunch period calling each other 'hos' and talking about oral sex. It's the vocabulary of being 13."

The percentage of students who have tried cigarettes, alcohol or marijuana shoots up during the middle-school years. Eight percent of 12-year-olds have smoked a cigarette; by age 13 that nearly doubles to 15 percent, according to the 2003 National Survey on Drug Use and Health. At 14, it's more than a quarter of teens.

Trying marijuana at least once jumps from 1.4 percent for 12-year-olds to 14 percent for 14-year-olds. Lifetime alcohol use spikes from just over 1 in 10 at age 12 to more than a third at age 14.

Parents as training wheels

The best thing parents can do to prevent poor decisions, experts say, is to stay involved.

A study of sixth-graders by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development found children with involved parents were less likely to smoke, even if friends smoked or drank.

But how do parents manage that with a kid who can't stand to be around them?

"Their social calendar does not include mom and dad," admits Menday. "They'd rather be at school events or out with friends. At some point you realize things are never really going to be the same. We'll never have three kids home on Friday night. It's just not going to happen anymore."

Nonetheless, Menday and her husband require their kids to be home for family dinners at least a couple nights a week. "We make it clear we expect them to still be active members of the family."

Perlstein compares parents to bike training wheels. Tweens "need you to be there for them," she said. Adults understand they can need others but still be independent. "Middle-schoolers don't realize that," she explained. "They get so focused on proving the independent part that they try to hide the need part."

Believe it or not, "no matter how much they fight, all the kids said they really love their parents," she said. "Moms and dads are surprised by that because all they hear is, 'Leave me alone.' So even if they don't come out and say it, you have to know it."

Parents who confess " 'I just want to get through this' are missing the boat," said Kinney, a principal in Southern Oregon. "Kids this age can be so caring and compassionate and involved if they're given the opportunity. Parents should really embrace this. It's a great age."

Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com or 206-464-2091.