"How to Care for Aging Parents": an indispensable resource guide

This is the fourth in an occasional six-part series on how to plan for and talk about our — or our parents' — aging.

Occasionally when my computer screen stares blank and bare, and nothing comes to mind to write for my column, I turn for inspiration to "How to Care for Aging Parents," by Virginia Morris (Workman Publishing Co., $18.95).

Originally published in 1996, this compendium of just about everything important in eldercare was one of the first books ever published on the subject — and continues to be my favorite. The Washington Post calls it "a compassionate guide of encyclopedic proportion." Opening to any page, I can find material that's solid, accurate and sensible — and soon I'm on my way, inspired by something worth writing about. Recently Morris came through town on a nationwide book tour to publicize her new, expanded edition. I was curious to meet her. We have different backgrounds — she lives on the East Coast, I'm on the West. She's been a medical journalist most of her career, with little firsthand experience in eldercare. I've spent almost 30 years in "the trenches" in a variety of eldercare positions, and am only tangentially a journalist.

Yet, from reading her book, I've long known we see eye-to-eye on just about everything related to aging and older adults. Her research is impeccable, as is her instinct for what's right. Curiously, neither of us is a social worker, the profession that's dominated aging for 40-plus years and, in my opinion, is in part responsible for many of our current problems.

Over coffee we exchanged notes — and hit it off instantly. Two peas in a pod, sisters in the fastest-growing demographic transformation facing this nation.

I asked, "Is it important to talk with parents about their future needs?"

"It's the No. 1 thing you need to do!" she exclaimed. "Holidays are a great time. The family gathers together — perhaps the only time in the entire year — so everyone can participate. Maybe it's the first of many conversations."

Even though you may talk about sad things, she added, it doesn't have to be sad. You're being proactive — "Let's make sure we make this the best time for Mom and Dad," is how Morris hopes families will look at it. "It's not a sit-around-and-mope thing — it's, 'Let's get on the same page.' "

And there, in the very first chapter of her book, are 22 pages devoted to the topic, then in Chapter 2, 20 pages more. You'll find wise words on how to start the conversation, deal with a parent's denial, what to talk about, critical documents your parent needs, defusing old struggles and dealing with difficult personalities.

"It's funny," Morris told me. "Older people will often say to me, 'Oh, my kids won't want to talk about these things.' Then I talk to adult children who tell me, 'Oh, my mom won't want to talk about these things.' Despite the apparent silence on both sides, maybe there's more willingness to talk than it might seem."

The book isn't meant to be read cover-to-cover on a rainy afternoon. Think of it as a reference on just about everything that might come up — and keep it handy. From soup to nuts, its 670 pages are chock full of good information on an amazing number of topics — dealing with doctors and hospitals, paying for care, the importance of exercise, getting help at home, problems presented by various illnesses, incontinence, long-distance caregiving, moving to a care facility, the aging brain, living with dementia, and, finally, death, funerals and grief.

At the end are pages of appendices listing useful organizations, a hospital patient's Bill of Rights, a nursing-home resident's Bill of Rights, advocacy groups state-by-state, and even dietary requirements for older people.

Throughout are quick, cogent vignettes from adult daughters and sons illustrating useful messages. They let you know you're not alone.

When Morris' original book appeared in 1996, there were few others available. Now, countless eldercare books are pouring onto bookstore shelves. Some are excellent on specific aspects — caregiving spouses, difficult parents, dementia care — but none covers the entire waterfront better than Morris' book, "How to Care for Aging Parents."

Liz Taylor's column runs Mondays in the Northwest Life section. A specialist on aging and long-term care, she consults with individuals and teaches workshops on how to plan for one's aging — and aging parents. E-mail her at growingolder@seattletimes.com or write to P.O. Box 11601, Bainbridge Island, WA 98110. You can see all of her columns at www.seattletimes.com/growingolder/.