Looking for love after 40

Forty is officially the new 30, according to such cultural arbiters as The New York Times, People magazine and millions of devoted "Desperate Housewives" fans. Which means that 50 is the new 40 and, as long suspected, 20 the new 10.

Yet while we've sidestepped an early entrance into old age, we're less adept at dodging those age-old dating blues. When it comes to dating in the F-Zone — 40, 50 and older — there's a whole new set of complications to deal with.

For one thing, after a painful divorce (or three), many of us don't have the heart to get back out there. Or we find that between our kids, our careers and our 1,001 adult-size commitments, we don't have the time.

Even when we do find time, we suddenly realize we're a lot more particular.

"When you're younger, you're clueless," says Mason Grigsby, co-author of "Love at Second Sight: Playing the Midlife Dating Game."

"You meet someone and if they look and sound good, you go out; you're much more forgiving. When you're older, though, that forgiveness goes away fast. If a slight flaw appears on the first date, most people abandon ship."

Sometimes it's a few extra pounds; other times, it's all that emotional junk in the trunk.

"Most of us in our 40s are divorced," says Patty Bonnell, a 45-year-old single mom from Seattle. "And the older people are, the more likely they are to have done their 'work.' But you'll meet these people who are still dragging all their old relationships around behind them like Marley's Ghost."

Yes, the F-Zone can be full of specters.

"I hear a lot of moaning from both sides," says Grigsby, who interviewed 400 singles for his book. "The women think the men are all damaged goods or egomaniacs or control freaks and the men point fingers at the women saying they're over-assertive, they're bitter, they don't take care of themselves."

It's a miracle that any of us in our 40s and 50s manage to hook up at all. Except apparently we don't — at least not with each other.

Giving up the ghost

"I'm in the over-40 category on Match.com, and none of the guys my age want to even look at me," says Bonnell. "They all want to date younger women. The only guys that want to look at me are in their 60s."

Men wanting to date younger women — could this shocking revelation be true?

"Ninety-nine percent of my clients are looking for women age 27 to 37," says Christine Stelmack, founder of Seattle-based 4M Multimillionaire Matchmaking Club. "No matter what their age is, they want to date a woman in that range."

These aren't just the rich trophy hunters. A random sampling of online dating sites (where incomes have the normal amount of zeroes) shows the same skewed story. A 45-year-old guy on Yahoo Personals wants someone who's 28 to 35. His 57-year-old counterpart on Webdate hopes to meet someone 45 to 55. And on Match.com, it's more of the same or worse: a 43-year-old guy in search of his 18- to 35-year-old soul mate.

"It's a bitter pill for most women," says Marla Prouty, a 50-year-old Seattle single. "The feeling is no matter what you do, it's not going to happen, so why bother? I was married until I was 41, and the dating scene was a shock to me. I remember feeling upset whenever I saw a man my age with a much younger woman. I'd think 'Hey, Hey, HEY! Look over here! What's wrong with you?' "

Tick, tick, tick

What's wrong, oftentimes, is that somebody — and I'm not going to mention any names here, Big Guy — forgot to rewind our damn biological clock.

"Most of the women my age have decided not to have children or they've raised theirs already and don't want any more," says Stephen Cook, a 45-year-old single dad looking to date women in their mid- to late-30s. "I entered parenthood later in life, and I'd like to have more kids."

A ticking clock can also speed up that "getting to know you" process.

"I went out with this guy once who said right off the bat that he wanted to have children," says Bonnell. "So I told him 'Well, I'm not the girl for you.' "

Take out the guys looking to fulfill their biological imperative, the emotional train wrecks, the trophy hunters, the married sharks, and what do we have left?

Not much, some claim.

"I'm very discouraged about dating," says Cynthia Hickey, a 46-year-old Seattle single. "I've tried Match.com, subscribed to a matchmaking service, I belong to any number of organizations and tell my friends I'd like to meet people. I guess I'm looking for some mystical place where all the great singles guys are, the elephant's graveyard of men. But I'm starting to think those guys don't exist."

Judsen Culbreth, author of "The Boomer's Guide to Online Dating," says the odds aren't nearly that bad, though.

"Statistics turn up 1.4 single boomer women for every unmarried boomer man," she writes in her book. "A savvy single Boomer woman only has to beat out half a person."

Cougar country

Whether the odds are good or the goods are odd is anybody's guess. But one thing's certain: if your dating pool has started to shrink, you can always dive into another one.

"Women should date younger," says 4M's Stelmack. "There are a lot of younger men out there who have no problem dating a woman 15 years older, let alone a few years older. If a younger guy has all the other qualities you seek in a man, then go for it."

For Pam Alegnani, a 46-year-old single from West Seattle, dating young is a no-brainer.

"I tend to date guys that are five to eight years younger," she says. "They're more flirtatious, they pursue me, and they have a higher energy level so they're more into going out to music events, cycling events, etc."

Prouty, who knows hundreds of singles through the Seattle Singles Yacht Club, says there are definite advantages to dating older women, such as fewer head games and less insecurity. But there can also be a down side to dating young, both for men and for women.

"Sometimes, you're not on the same plane intellectually," Prouty says. "One guy my age was dating a younger woman, and he said it was a real pain. He wanted to talk with someone about the stock market, about the war, about things that are important in this world. All she wanted to do was go shopping and talk about her nail color."

So what do the single guys have to say about all this? And where the heck are they, anyway? We'll discuss all in the second part of "Dating in the F-Zone."

Diane Mapes is a Seattle-based freelance writer. Comments? Send to dimapes@nwlink.com.