Northwest Lite: Wallace & Gromit take on the Green Lake bunnies

Aardman claymation characters Wallace and Gromit have been hired by the city of Seattle to remove the rabbits that are running wild at Woodland and Green Lake parks.

"After doing extensive background research into the several ... well, two extermination firms that bid for this work, the City Council has determined that British contractor Anti-Pesto is the most qualified and animated company for the job," said Councilman David Della, chair of the council's committee on parks.

Anti-Pesto's humane plan to not kill but rather relocate the bunnies is what made the difference, he said.

"That," Della added, "and the fact Anti-Pesto asked to be paid in Cougar Gold."

At an afternoon tea yesterday at 62 W. Wallaby St., Della introduced the media to Anti-Pesto business partners, cheese-loving inventor Wallace and his four-legged best friend, Gromit.

"Well, this is a nice how-do-you-do," Wallace said between bites of Wensleydale on a cracker. "Just grand. Happy to be of assistance."

Anti-Pesto's greatest bunny-be-gone achievement occurred while working for valued client Lady Tottington, ridding her estate of voracious rabbits on the eve of the annual Giant Vegetable Competition — a caper so successful it spawned a movie, "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit."

"Pulled that off without a hitch, isn't that right, Gromit?" Wallace said. Gromit rolled his eyes. "All's well that ends well, that's what I always say."

Although bunny colonies at the two Seattle parks are attractions for locals, the city is looking to eliminate them because the holes and burrows the animals dig are killing trees and creating other hazards for park users.

Anti-Pesto's strategy is built around Wallace's latest invention, the Mind-Over-Manners-O-Matic, which is designed to condition a bunny into acting like a characteristically polite Seattleite.

"I've got patent pending on it," Wallace said modestly. "Leave it up to me. Everything is under control."

Wallace's elaborate contraption is an electronic two-way brain-wave machine fitted on the heads of both a Seattleite and a captured rabbit. When the gadget is turned on, the Seattleite's brain waves — and behaviors — transfer to the bunny. The process is to be repeated until all of the rabbits have undergone the transformation.

Then Wallace will ask each rabbit to stop congregating at the parks, the theory being that the bunnies will politely comply and go elsewhere.

"To Bellevue, perhaps," Wallace suggested. "Just some harmless brain alteration, that's all."

Wallace and Gromit have begun selecting the Seattleites who will take part in the brain-wave transfer. Initially, everyone they asked said they sincerely wanted to help but preferred to not get involved even though they all made a point to say they thought it was a really great idea.

"Fancy that, we couldn't find any volunteers," Wallace said. "So we became more dogged. Dogged. Now that's clever, eh, Gromit?"

Anti-Pesto has already begun the experiment, drafting famous residents to be part of the first wave. As of yesterday, Anti-Pesto had recruited KOMO-TV commentator Ken Schram, former City Council member Charlie Chong and community activist Omari Tahir-Garrett.

"Cracking group, Gromit, old pal," Wallace said as Gromit knitted. "Well done!"

But before the bunnies can be brainwashed, they must be captured. Wallace said he will accomplish this through another of his inventions, the Bun-Vac 6000, a suction device he used successfully at Lady Tottington's. In Seattle, he plans to suck the bunnies through the currently abandoned downtown bus tunnel.

"Fait accompli, and oh, I do like a bit of feta," Wallace said.

Della said the council believes Anti-Pesto's credentials and competence are indisputable, although the unsuccessful bidder disagreed both with Wallace and Gromit's selection and their humane approach to dealing with Seattle's bunny problem.

"Kill da wabbits, kill da wabbits," a disgruntled Elmer Fudd said.

Northwest Lite is an occasional humor column running in Northwest Life. Stuart Eskenazi: 206-464-2293 or seskenazi@seattletimes.com