Protecting young teens: how to balance freedom, control

After the Capitol Hill tragedy last week, local schools and health organizations called Seattle psychologist Laura Kastner for help telling parents how to keep teens safe in the aftermath.

Problem is, no one can protect kids from a gunman. The day-to-day dangers teens face haven't really changed; parents are just reminded of them.

So Kastner, who specializes in adolescent issues, offers her same advice, regardless of the recent event: Balance freedom with control. Stay on good terms with your teen.

The tragedy highlighted fears all parents have when young teens exercise newfound freedom away from their direct supervision. Whether it's parties or late-night movies or a sleepover at a new friend's house, parents constantly consider and clarify their own rules and expectations for teens.

And that's not a bad thing. Even allowing for parents' different styles and comfort levels, experts uniformly agreed parents should maintain a lot of oversight with ages 13 to 15.

"When I talk to middle-school parents, I always tell them to keep conservative restraint with young teens because they can," said Kastner, a popular school speaker and co-author of "The Seven-Year Stretch: How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence." "Up to age 14, the standard practice is parents are pretty conservative about teens going to unsupervised activities in the community."

When teens are 16 and driving, then parents have to revisit the issue, she said.

Research shows adolescent brains are literally immature, often lacking the ability to connect cause and effect. "They're so impulsive," Kastner said. And without some of that higher brain reasoning, "they do a lot of stupid things."

Emotionally, the middle-school years "are some of the most difficult," said Bridgett Blackburn, a parent educator at Bellevue Community College. "They're not kids anymore, but they're certainly not adults. Parents need to know how tough this age is, how lost teens tend to feel."

Whether it's sex, drugs or drinking, risks are always out there and some kids fall for the temptations. "But we don't want to make it easy for them," said Connecticut-based psychologist Anthony Wolf, author of "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager."

So how do parents protect kids while still acknowledging their developmental need for increased independence? Two things, experts say: Supervision and networking.

Parents need to follow their instincts and ignore teens' howl of "everybody else gets to."

"One of the toughest things parents do is make a rule their kid doesn't like," Wolf said. "You'll inevitably feel a lot of pressure because your teen will make you feel like you're singling them out as a little baby loser."

"Kids this age shouldn't be out unsupervised," said Blackburn, who teaches classes at Overlake Hospital Medical Center. It might not be direct oversight — a parent could drop off and pick up a group of teens at a movie theater — but an adult should be available.

"That way if something unexpected happens, a parent is there to help them make good choices," she said.

Her 15-year-old son doesn't have a set curfew but negotiates a return time depending on the outing. At the latest, she thinks midnight or 12:30 a.m. is appropriate for young teens. "There's not much happening after midnight that a 15-year-old needs to be doing," Blackburn said.

With cellphones and text and instant messaging, teens immediately know what's going on with their peers. "With parents, it's dramatically less so," Wolf noted dryly.

Kastner advises a simple policy for the middle-school crowd: "I talk to the parents or you can't go." By ninth grade, depending on the child's track record and trustworthiness, parents might opt for occasional checks instead of every outing. (A privilege that's revoked if a teen is caught lying or breaking rules.)

"But I would never, ever surrender that before high school," she said.

"All the studies show that parents underestimate their own kid's risk behaviors versus what kids report they're actually doing," Wolf said. "There's a big gap."

So can you completely control your child?

No.

Can you try to have an inkling of what's going on?

Maybe.

"Kids by nature sneak and lie. The wise parent can't rely on just what they're told," Wolf said. "There's no question that, for the most part, talking to other parents allows you a control you couldn't have otherwise."

Stephanie Dunnewind: 206-464-2091 or sdunnewind@seattletimes.com